Before a marriage, families have always asked around. Who are his people? How does he treat his mother? Is he honest in business? Some worry that this is backbiting. It isn’t, when it’s done for the right reason and in the right way, and the Sunnah gives us a clear example of it.
What the Sunnah shows us
Fatimah bint Qays told the Prophet ﷺ that two men had proposed to her. He answered her plainly about each of them: one was hard on women, the other had nothing to live on. He suggested Usamah ibn Zayd instead. She married Usamah, and later said that Allah put great good in that marriage (recorded by Muslim).
Scholars take two lessons from this. Asking about a suitor’s character is allowed, and so is answering honestly, even when the answer is a fault, because it’s advice someone needs for a decision that will shape their life. Imam al-Nawawi lists it among the few cases where speaking about someone’s faults is permitted, provided you say only what is needed.
«الْمُسْتَشَارُ مُؤْتَمَنٌ»
"The one whose advice is sought is trusted."
The Prophet ﷺ, narrated by Abu Hurayrah, Abu Dawud, Tirmidhi and Ibn Majah
If you’re the one being asked, you hold a trust. Don’t exaggerate, don’t hide something serious, and don’t share more than the question needs.
Who to ask
- The imam of the mosque where he prays.
- People who’ve worked with him or studied with him.
- Neighbours, and friends who’ll be honest rather than loyal.
- His own family too, though they’ll naturally see him at his best.
What to ask
- Does he pray, and is he consistent?
- Is he honest, with money and with his word?
- How does he behave when he’s angry or under pressure?
- How does he treat his parents, and people who work for him?
- Has he been married before, and how did it end?
- Does he have debts, or commitments a wife should know about?
The same questions apply in the other direction. A brother’s family is right to ask about a sister, kindly and discreetly.
What a check can and can’t tell you
No reference can promise how someone will be. People change, and people sometimes present well. A good report tells you what someone saw, on the days they saw it. Use it as one important piece alongside your own conversations, your family’s judgement and your istikharah, and keep asking your own questions.
This article is general guidance written by the Align team, not a fatwa. For your own situation, speak to a scholar or the imam at your local mosque.
