Most of the arguments married couples have are about things they never talked about before the nikah. Not because they hid anything, but because it didn’t occur to them to ask. A few honest conversations now can save years of misunderstanding later.
These are questions to talk through, ideally with her wali or family aware that you’re talking. They aren’t an interview. Ask a few at a time, and listen as much to how someone answers as to what they say.
Faith
- What does your prayer look like on an ordinary day?
- What would you like to grow in, in your deen, over the next few years?
- How do you picture religion in our home, for us and for any children?
Family
- How involved do you expect our parents to be in our decisions?
- Where do you see us living, and near whom?
- Do you want children, and roughly when? If either of you already has children, how do you see family life working?
Money and work
- How do you see earning and spending in a marriage? In Islam a husband is responsible for providing for his household, and a wife’s own money is hers. How does that look for the two of you?
- Is there any debt or financial commitment I should know about?
Everyday life
- What does a good weekend look like to you?
- What are you like when you’re tired, stressed or upset, and what helps?
- When you disagree with someone you love, what do you usually do?
The marriage itself
- What does a good husband or wife do, in your eyes?
- What did you learn from the marriages you grew up around, good and bad?
- Is there anything about you I should hear from you now rather than discover later?
- What would be a dealbreaker for you?
Listening to the answers
A good answer isn’t always the one you hoped for. Somebody who says "I lose my temper, and I’m working on it" may be easier to live with than somebody who claims they never do. Look for honesty, self-awareness and a willingness to talk. Be wary of answers that are always about other people being the problem.
And be fair. You’re asking someone to describe themselves to a near stranger, which isn’t easy. Ask your own questions in the same spirit you’d want them asked of you.
«لَا يَفْرَكْ مُؤْمِنٌ مُؤْمِنَةً، إِنْ كَرِهَ مِنْهَا خُلُقًا رَضِيَ مِنْهَا آخَرَ»
"A believing man should not hate a believing woman. If he dislikes one of her traits, he will be pleased with another."
The Prophet ﷺ, narrated by Abu Hurayrah, Muslim
Nobody ticks every box, and you don’t either. The point of these questions isn’t to find someone perfect. It’s to know clearly what you’re saying yes to, so you can say it with your whole heart.
This article is general guidance written by the Align team, not a fatwa. For your own situation, speak to a scholar or the imam at your local mosque.
